Why Does My Child Hitting Make Me So Mad (And What To Do Instead)
I recently spoke with a mom who shared how hard it was for her to stay calm when her child hit another child—whether a friend or sibling. As a mom of four, I completely get it. Kids can do surprisingly aggressive things, and as a peaceful person, that can feel incredibly frustrating.
One of my kids even went through a biting phase—let me tell you, that was a tough one! When your child acts out, it’s natural to feel upset. You want them to grow into a kind, wonderful person, so any behavior that contradicts that can feel alarming.
But the key is how you handle these moments.
So, what can you do to keep your cool when your child is hitting, biting, or acting out? Today, I’ll share three game-changing tips to help you navigate this tricky part of parenting.
1. Understand How Your Child’s Brain Develops
One thing I love teaching parents in my Amazing Parents Club is how children’s brains develop at different stages. This knowledge helps you manage expectations and respond with patience instead of frustration.
Kids Are Not Just Small Adults
Jean Piaget’s Theory of Cognitive Development explains that children’s brains go through distinct stages. One key area? Cause and effect.
Before age 7, kids don’t fully understand that one action leads to another. It’s not an instant realization but a gradual process. For example:
A baby kicks their mobile, sees it move, and starts to grasp cause and effect.
A toddler throws pasta on the floor, watches Mom pick it up, and makes a connection.
A child hits a friend, sees them cry—but doesn’t yet understand the full impact.
Before age 7, a child’s thought process might look like this:
I hit my friend.
My friend cried.
But they don’t yet connect:
My friend is hurt and upset because I hit them.
This incomplete understanding means it’s unfair to expect them to regulate aggression on their own—they need you to teach them.
Teach, Don’t Punish
Rather than getting angry, shift your mindset to one of empathy and education:
✔️ Your child doesn’t innately understand that hitting hurts—you need to teach them.
✔️ Learning this isn’t a one-time lesson but a gradual process, like mastering a tough math concept.
✔️ Around age 7, they’ll fully grasp cause and effect. Then, they’ll start developing impulse control—though that part of the brain (the frontal lobe) doesn’t fully mature until around age 25.
2. Use Co-Regulation to Help Your Child Manage Emotions
When kids hit, it’s usually because they’re thinking with their emotional brain, not their rational brain.
The Emotional vs. Rational Brain
The brain has different layers:
Emotional brain (Amygdala) – Controls big emotional reactions, like anger and frustration.
Rational brain (Prefrontal Cortex) – Helps with reasoning, impulse control, and problem-solving.
When a child is angry and hitting, their emotional brain is in control. They aren’t thinking rationally yet.
Why Your Calmness Matters
If you react with anger, what happens? It fuels the fire! 🔥
Instead, kids need co-regulation—which means they borrow your ability to stay calm.
👉 Think of a crying infant—you bounce and pat them until they settle down. That’s co-regulation in action!
By keeping your cool, you:
✅ Help your child transition from emotional thinking to rational thinking.
✅ Teach them emotional regulation skills they’ll use for life.
✅ Prevent the guilt and regret that often follow when we lose our cool.
Your calmness is your parenting superpower—it benefits both your child and you.
3. Teach Social Skills Through Guided Learning
Now that we’ve covered:
✔️ Understanding your child’s development (so you can respond with patience)
✔️ Using co-regulation (so you can stay calm and help them manage emotions)
Let’s talk about how to respond effectively.
Kids Aren’t Born Knowing What to Do
Children don’t instinctively know the right things to say or do in social situations—they need to be taught.
Here’s how:
✅ Talk through what happened. Instead of focusing on punishment, help them process:
❓ “What just happened?”
❓ “How do you think your friend felt?”
❓ “What could you have done instead?”
✅ Teach empathy and perspective-taking. Kids don’t automatically understand other people’s feelings—you need to guide them.
✅ Practice makes progress. Just like learning to read or ride a bike, developing emotional intelligence takes time and repetition.
Parenting is hard, and moments like these can feel overwhelming. But when you:
✔️ Understand how your child’s brain works
✔️ Stay calm and use co-regulation
✔️ Teach social skills through guided learning
…you’re setting your child up for long-term success!
Have you ever struggled to stay calm when your child acted out? Share your experiences in the comments—I’d love to hear how you handled it!
And if you’re looking for more expert parenting guidance, check out my Amazing Parents Club, where we dive deeper into child development and behavior strategies.
Keep up the good work on your amazing parenting journey!
