Teach Kids Their Body Is THEIR OWN This Holiday Season!

Does your child cringe when they’re asked to hug Great Uncle Stew?  And you’re left wondering how to navigate the situation… do you force the hug or deal with awkwardly explaining to Uncle Stew that your child is not a hugger?  Moments like this can put a damper on the holiday season, and it’s tough to know how to handle them.

Hugs are great, and many kids love to hug other kids and adults, but not all kids are so comfortable with that form of physical contact.  During the holidays, kids are often expected to give hugs and kisses to relatives and family friends, sometimes even when they don't feel comfortable doing so.   This can be confusing for them, as they may not understand why they're being asked to show physical affection to someone they don't know well.  In this post, I’ll share with you the most important reasons why you should not force your child to hug anyone and how to handle those potentially awkward situations.

First, forcing your child to hug others puts a strain on your parent-child relationship.  What makes the awkward hug-or-don’t-hug situation even worse is parents saying, “Oh, come on, you can give Great Uncle Stew a hug” or “Aw, he’ll feel so bad if you don’t give him a hug.”  It happens a lot, so don’t beat yourself up if you’ve been in that boat in the past; I’m sure I’ve even said something like that before.  It’s like you’re watching a slow-motion car crash, and you want to prevent it from happening.  But take a moment to really think about what you’re asking your child to do in this situation.  You’re telling them to ignore their own feelings and NOT respect their own body.  Your child needs to know that you are looking out for them and will protect them - not that you’ll put them in harm’s way to avoid embarrassment or to make other people happy.

This leads directly to the second reason you should not force your kids to hug others, which is they need to learn to respect their own bodies.  I’ll speak plainly here and ask you to imagine your child as a teenager out on a date who says, “Aw, I’ll feel so bad if you don’t give me a hug.”  Teach your children to respect their bodies early so they can respond to that with, “Oh, you’ll be okay.  Please take me home now.”

Third, instilling this sense of respect for your child’s own body directly ties into teaching them to respect other people’s bodies.  So, again, I’ll speak plainly here and use the teenager example again.  If your child ever asks a partner if they would like to be touched in a certain way, and that person says no, you want your child to stop immediately.

The teenager examples may seem shocking or like a stretch from the sweet little toddler sitting in front of you, but every time you enforce boundaries with your child when they are young, they are forming lasting impressions of how the world should look.  So, when you say, “It looks like Little Brother wants some space now; please let go of him,” or “That’s okay, you don’t have to hug Uncle Stew,” you’re teaching them to respect other people’s bodies and their own.  That sure makes a seemingly small forced hug situation carry more weight, right?

So, let’s move on to how to manage the awkward hug refusal situation next.  But first, I want to mention that I have a free download called 5 Tips to Thrive as a Family at the Holidays that can help with other holiday stressors,  You can download your copy at drlindsayemmerson.com/holiday.

First, understand that children vary on a number of personality traits that tie into how comfortable they are around strangers, in new environments, and connecting with other people through physical touch.  These are normal variations that are just part of what makes each person unique - not abnormalities that need to be corrected.  So, I suggest viewing your child’s decision to hug or not to hug as just a fact of life - nothing to pass judgment on.  That perspective shift will help you to adopt a more matter-of-fact, non-emotionally-charged view of the situation.

Second, anticipate the issue and plan ahead.  If you’re going to a gathering with family members and friends, discuss with your child before leaving the house that often, people like to offer hugs in these types of situations and ask how they feel about that.  Let them know that the decision is entirely up to them - you just wanted them to have a heads-up so they’re not surprised.  Regardless of how they answer, you should still be mentally prepared for the possibility that, at the moment, they’ll prefer not to hug.

Third, let your child know that it’s completely fine to choose to hug or choose not to hug - whatever feels right to them.  It’s also fine to hug certain people but not others.  Pro tip: It can be surprising when children choose not to hug people they formerly were very comfortable hugging, but many factors contribute to that.  For example, if they haven’t seen Grandma in a little while, it may take some time to warm up to wanting to hug her again.

Fourth, discuss alternatives to hugging with your child.  While it’s perfectly fine for your child not to hug people at holiday gatherings, this is a wonderful opportunity for teaching social skills.  Let your child know that making eye contact and saying something like, “Hello, it’s nice to see you” in a strong voice are desirable behaviors.  Help your child brainstorm alternatives to hugging, such as a high-five, a fist bump, an elbow bump, a handshake, or just a wave.  Also, help your child develop a plan for when someone comes in for a hug, and they need to make it clear that they do not want to hug.  For example, they might hold out their hand in front of them and say, “I’d prefer a high-five, please.”  It would be great to role-play the strategy you select in advance so they feel very comfortable with that motion.  I’d love to hear how you decide to handle these situations in the comments.

Finally, reassure your child that you’ve got their back - always - that you’ll be there to help them navigate the social scene and support them in their choices.

I hope this post helps you and your child know that it's okay to say “no” to hugs at the holidays, and that their body autonomy is respected.  Keep up the good work on your amazing parenting journey!

P.S. To help this really feel like the happiest time of the year, download your copy of my free guide to thrive at the holidays as a family at drlindsayemmerson.com/holiday 🎄