Is Positive Punishment Good For Parenting? The Truth About Disciplining
Join me as I dive into the real effects of positive punishment in parenting and see if I can find a better way to discipline kids!
Positive punishment is a concept that often sparks controversy among parents, and it's essential to understand its implications for our children's development. As parents, we want the best for our kids, and discipline is an inevitable part of their growth. But what's the best approach? Today, we're going to explore whether positive punishment is an effective way to discipline our children or if it's doing more harm than good.
Deciding on a discipline method can be a daunting task, especially with the abundance of conflicting opinions and misinformation out there. Many parents struggle to balance being firm and being nurturing, often finding themselves torn between different approaches. One common misconception about positive punishment is that it's the same as physical punishment, which is not the case. Another challenge parents face is knowing when to be consistent and when to be flexible with their discipline approach.
Let's dive deeper into the psychology behind positive punishment. When your child misbehaves, it's usually because they're seeking attention, trying to assert their independence, or haven't learned a better way to regulate their emotions or get what they want. Positive punishment means adding something unpleasant to decrease the likelihood of a behavior happening again. In parenting, that means adding something your child doesn’t like to deter unwanted behavior. You’re manipulating your child’s environment by intentionally reacting to them in a certain way - adding an unpleasant response in order to make an unwanted behavior less likely to occur again in the future. Physical punishment is an example of positive punishment, but they are not synonymous. I will provide examples of positive punishment that do not involve inflicting physical harm momentarily.
Positive punishment is actually part of a larger psychology theory called operant conditioning, and I have another post you can read for the full scoop. Today, we’ll hone in on positive punishment. To simplify this concept, I actually prefer to call positive punishment “add-on punishment” to clarify that parents are adding something unpleasant in order to discourage their child’s unwanted behavior.
Here are four examples of add-on punishment applied to parenting young children:
1. Child reaches for something you told them not to touch → You give a disapproving look
2. Child hits you to get your attention → You firmly say, “No, we do not hit. Use gentle touch.”
3. Child walks into the street → You yell, “Stop!”
4. Child says something unkind to a sibling → Say 3 kind things to them
Now that you have a better idea of what add-on punishment looks like in parenting, let’s talk about whether it is a good parenting approach. For babies, toddlers, and preschoolers, a disapproving look and a corrective, “No, we don’t hit. Use gentle touch,” is usually sufficient. I occasionally use add-on punishment with my older children, but younger kids just haven’t developed the frontal lobes in their brains enough for me to feel ok with using tough consequences yet. There are superior ways to promote better behavior and deter unwanted behavior in our kids, and I’ll tell you about three great options before the end of this post. But first, let’s touch on two important considerations when using add-on punishment.
When It’s OK to Yell: Let’s look at this example of yelling, “Stop,” when your child walks into the street. Clearly, this is an example of when it’s okay to yell at your child. You really want them to pay attention to your words for their own safety. This is also a reason why you should not regularly yell at your children. You want them to listen if you ever yell at them.
Plus, it just feels awful to be yelled at, and we don’t want that experience for our children. That said, I have absolutely lost my cool with my kids and raised my voice despite having the best intentions not to. In my parenting membership, we discuss two related concepts. The first is how to turn events like that into positive learning experiences for your children, and the second is lots of tips on how to control your anger for those most challenging parenting moments.
Physical Punishment: I recommend entirely avoiding the use of physical punishment in your parenting practice. You now have some pretty powerful tools you can use to help shape your child’s behavior without resorting to actions like spanking.
Also, there are significant drawbacks to the use of physical punishment. First, there’s no love involved in physically hurting your child. If your goal is to balance disciplinary needs now with the friendly relationship, you want to have with your children when they are adults, using physical punishment may jeopardize that future relationship.
Spanking is actually one of the most researched aspects of parenting, with hundreds of studies looking at the varying effects of spanking, so let’s look at some of the findings. There’s a type of research study called a meta-analysis that pools the results of multiple other research studies to derive conclusions about that body of research. In a large 2016 meta-analysis, spanking was found to be related to more negative relationships with parents.
Second, you can truly harm your child with physical punishment. As much larger and stronger adults can become very frustrated or angry with their children, it’s quite possible for a parent to seriously hurt their child. With the youngest children, you can see this in the case of shaken baby syndrome.
Similarly, the research shows that when children are spanked, they are at greater risk for physical abuse by their parents. You may think that would never happen to you, but have you ever slammed a door harder than intended when you were angry? It’s no small feat to stay in control of your own body when your child is exhibiting their worst behavior. It can be a slippery slope once you let physical punishment into your household.
Third, in addition to physical harm, there may be emotional or psychological harm involved in using physical punishment as well. That same meta-analysis found spanking to be associated with more aggression, more antisocial behavior, more mental health problems, lower cognitive ability, and lower self-esteem.
Now, parenting choices like whether to use physical punishment or not are complex. There can be cross-cultural and within-cultural differences. Worldwide, spanking is actually very common. I am here to inform you about research findings and offer my own personal opinion but not to judge you for your choices.
One more thought for anyone still not convinced about avoiding physical punishment. It is our job to model good behavior for our children, teach them problem-solving skills, and help them grow up to be good people. What is spanking your children teaching them? When in the real world is ok to hurt somebody who has offended you? How would you feel if your child’s teacher called you into their office to discuss how your child has been spanking other children when they get upset? How would you feel if your child spanked your beautiful grandchildren one day?
On the flip side, please do not stress if you ever have a total fluke and are a little too rough with your child. I’ll freely admit that I once smacked one of my kids completely by accident. I was engaged in a conversation and felt a sharp pain on my bottom and, out of instinct, whipped my hand back to stop whatever was causing the pain. My child had somehow snuck up on me and, for some reason, decided to bite me on the butt to get my attention. I was shocked that he was what I smacked. He was totally fine, but I was quite embarrassed having to explain to the other person that I don’t normally hit my children.
Just be aware of your conscious choice not to use physical punishment with them, and do your best to stick with that. If you feel like you are not able to control your actions and your use of physical punishment may actually be physical abuse, please seek support right away. There is a strong intergenerational transmission effect for domestic violence, such that if you were the victim of domestic violence as a child, you are far more likely to be physically abusive with your own family as an adult. That’s a trend that victims of domestic violence should be aware of and a reminder to get help now before your children and your children’s children suffer the consequences.
Take-Home Message
Today, we've explored the challenges of deciding on a discipline method and the potential negative impacts of add-on punishment. Now, it’s time to discuss alternative strategies that promote healthy development. Remember, discipline is not about punishing our children, but about teaching them valuable life skills and guiding them towards becoming capable, confident, and compassionate individuals.
This post is actually part of a four-part series on a core concept in psychology called operant conditioning theory. Add-on punishment is one of the four components of operant conditioning theory. If you got value out of this post and are eager to learn the other three ways that you can use operant conditioning to promote better behavior in your child, check out Transform Your Child's Behavior: Operant Conditioning For Parents. Keep up the good work on your amazing parenting journey!
