Negative Punishment For Kids... What's That?
Negative punishment is often misunderstood, and it's not about punishing your child, but rather about creating an environment where they can learn and grow. As parents, we all want our kids to behave, listen, and make good choices, but sometimes it feels like we're constantly fighting an uphill battle.
One of the biggest challenges parents face when trying to implement negative punishment is that they don't fully understand how it works. They might think it's about taking away something their child loves, like a toy or a privilege, but that's not the whole story. Others might think it's just about letting their child experience the consequences of their actions, but that's only half the battle.
Another common misapplication of negative punishment is when parents use it as a threat, rather than a natural consequence. For example, saying, "If you don't clean up your toys, I'll take them away," might seem like a harmless warning, but it's actually counterproductive. Instead of teaching your child to clean up, it's teaching them to fear the consequence.
Some parents might also underestimate the importance of consistency when using negative punishment. If you're not consistent in enforcing the rules and consequences, your child will quickly learn that they can get away with misbehaving sometimes but not others. And that's when it becomes a game of cat and mouse rather than a teachable moment.
Let's dive deeper into the psychology behind negative punishment. When your child misbehaves, it's usually because they're seeking attention, trying to assert their independence, or haven't learned a better way to regulate their emotions or get what they want. Negative punishment means removing something pleasant to decrease the likelihood of a behavior happening again. In parenting, that means taking away something your child likes to deter unwanted behavior. You’re manipulating your child’s environment by intentionally reacting to them in a certain way - removing a privilege or taking away an item in order to make an unwanted behavior less likely to occur again.
Negative punishment is actually part of a larger psychology theory called operant conditioning, and I have another post you can read for the full scoop. Today, we’ll hone in on negative punishment. To simplify this concept, I actually prefer to call negative punishment “take-away punishment” to clarify that parents are removing something unpleasant in order to discourage their child’s unwanted behavior.
Most of your interactions with your child should be neutral to positive, but there are definitely times when negative consequences are important. Research has provided a goal ratio of 80% neutral or positive interactions with your child and no more than 20% negative interactions with your child.
That’s a very important point. To provide age-appropriate boundaries and set up consequences for your children while maintaining a loving and friendly relationship with them, choose the target behaviors that matter the most to you and to their development such that no more than 20% of your interactions with your child are focussed on these problematic behaviors.
For toddlers, I recommend using take-away punishment in the form of removal from a situation, as opposed to removing a favorite toy or a privilege, which might be more appropriate for a child closer to school-aged. Let’s run through four examples.
1. Child repeatedly takes toys from a friend → Take 5
First, talk to your child, explaining that we don’t take toys from friends, that they’ll get a turn soon, and that it makes their friend feel sad, angry, or frustrated. Then, tell your child that if they can’t wait for their turn, they’ll need to step away from the play area for a short period. If the problem behavior continues, escort the child away, hold up your hand, and ask them to take five deep breaths to help them calm down. When the child is calm and agrees to play without taking toys from others, they can return to the play area. Stepping away from the play area is taking away something your child likes. This approach is similar to a time-out but feels much more supportive and restorative to me.
2. Child is hitting at a play date → Leave play date early.
Actually leaving a play date would be a consequence reserved for very extreme behavior that you really do not want repeated in the future. Remember, these are young kids who are still learning social norms and emotion regulation, so you wouldn’t want to run off at the first sign of aggression but rather forearm the child of the potential consequence if the behavior is repeated.
3. Children are bickering in the car → Pull car over and step out
In this car example, you would first politely request that the children stop bickering, kicking your seat, etc. (whatever the problem behavior is), let them know that it makes it very hard for you to drive safely with so much distraction, and let them know that you will need to pull over if they do not stop. There doesn’t need to be any drama; you can take your time to pull over safely. Usually, the shock of you actually pulling over before arriving at your destination is enough to stop the problem behavior, but you can actually step out if they do not stop bickering or ask the children to step out if you are in a safe location. Typically, doing this once means that when you encounter a similar situation and you forewarn them you’ll need to pull over if they don’t stop bickering, they’ll stop without any further incident.
4. Child throws a tantrum at store → Leave the store.
Leaving the grocery store is a classic example of take-away punishment. You may be thinking this is more of a punishment for you than your child, but some kids do enjoy the excitement of picking out items at the store or people-watching. And if there’s a treat at the end for good behavior that is lost by leaving early, then that is a real consequence for them. Again, this is one of those dramatic moves that, though done calmly, is memorable and typically does not need repetition. Usually, the mere statement of leaving is enough to stop the problem behavior, especially if you explain that it would be unfortunate to have to leave all of the items you have already picked out and inconvenience the store employees to put them back for you.
Next, I will briefly touch on four important guidelines for using take-away punishment in your parenting practice.
First, Talk it Through: Please remember with any consequence, this is not the primary disciplinary technique. Talking through right and wrong, trying to get an understanding of the child’s feelings, and helping them get their emotions regulated will work for most problematic behaviors.
Forewarning is Essential: Most of these issues can be resolved by talking it out and won’t need a consequence. If needed, these consequences must be stated in advance, especially with young children who are so new to social and cultural expectations. We are teaching, not torturing your munchkins. After talking it out, if you feel like the consequence is warranted, whether that’s the first offense, second, etc., you clearly state that if they do that same behavior again, then the specific consequence will happen. For example, if you hit Tye again, we will have to leave the play date early and go home. Set up reasonable and fair consequences so you feel justified in following through on them if needed.
Follow Through is Critical: You must follow through on the stated consequence. You are giving your child an opportunity to learn here. Do you want them to learn that your words are meaningful, your actions are reliable, and in addition to having a loving relationship with your child, you are the authority figure in the relationship? Or do you want them to learn that you make casual threats but don’t follow through, so there’s really no point in listening to your words? I think you know the right answer to that one.
The pattern of consistently setting parameters for your children and sticking to them helps to support your child in learning right from wrong and in learning to listen to your words. When I see 7, 8, 9 year-olds who don’t listen to requests from their parents, I know that consequences were not consistently used in their younger years. For example, the other day, I saw a friend rough-housing with her son in a very fun, playful manner. Then she told him she was ready to stop and that they should take a break for a few minutes while we talked, but he wouldn’t stop jumping on her.
You don’t want to be controlling in your relationship with your child, but you do want to feel in control and know that you’re not going to get walked all over (or, in this case, jumped on repeatedly when you’re trying to have a conversation with another adult). You do want to hold your kids accountable for their actions to help teach them self-control and responsibility.
Physically Moving Your Child: Keep in mind that following through on consequences may mean gently but physically moving your child’s body. Whether it’s helping to remove a toy from their hand that they took from another child and won’t release, removing a dangerous or fragile object that you’ve asked them to put down, moving their body away from the playgroup to Take 5, or even carrying them up to their bedroom if they refuse to head to nap time. These are not ideal situations but are warranted as a last resort after you have tried talking it out, maybe tried humor (e.g., “Oh man, you don’t want to walk on your own up to nap now? What about if we race instead?”)
Present these options as a choice to give your child as much independence as possible. For example, “Tanya, I told you if you hit your friend again, you would need to Take 5. You can walk over to that corner of the room with me now, or I can carry you over there. You choose.”
Take-Home Message
In today's post, we explored the concept of take-away punishment, common challenges parents face, and the psychology behind it. We want the vast majority of interactions with our children to be neutral to positive, but when necessary, take-away punishment can be a powerful parenting tool. When clearly communicated in a loving way, take-away punishment can effectively teach boundaries and help children learn the skills they need to thrive.
This post is actually part of a four-part series on a core concept in psychology called operant conditioning theory. Take-away punishment is one of the four components of operant conditioning theory. If you got value out of this post and are eager to learn the other three ways that you can use operant conditioning to promote better behavior in your child, check out Transform Your Child's Behavior: Operant Conditioning For Parents. Keep up the good work on your amazing parenting journey!
