Better Behavior Hack: Negative Reinforcement For Parents
Negative reinforcement is a concept that often gets misunderstood, especially when it comes to parenting. Many parents think it's the same as punishing their kids, but it's actually a very different approach. In this post, I will clarify what negative reinforcement really is, how it can help you parent more effectively, and why it's an approach worth considering.
Let's face it: parenting can be tough. We've all been there - our kids refuse to listen, throw tantrums, and test our patience daily. We try different methods to get them to behave, from shouting and scolding to threatening and punishing. But sometimes, no matter what we do, we just can't seem to get through to them. We feel frustrated, exhausted, and at our wit's end. We've tried everything from timeouts to taking away privileges, but nothing seems to work.
We've all been taught that the best way to get our kids to behave is to reward good behavior and punish bad behavior. But there’s actually another strategy parents can use to promote better behavior. What if, instead of punishing our kids for misbehaving, we could actually encourage better behavior by taking away something they don't want? That's basically what negative reinforcement is all about.
So, how does negative reinforcement work? Negative reinforcement means removing something unpleasant to increase the likelihood of a behavior happening again. In parenting, that means taking away something your child doesn’t like to promote better behavior in the future. You’re manipulating your child’s environment by intentionally reacting to them in a certain way - removing an unpleasant experience to reinforce their behavior, making it more likely to occur again.
Negative reinforcement is actually part of a larger psychology theory called operant conditioning, and I have another post you can read for the full scoop. Today, we’ll hone in on negative reinforcement. To simplify this concept, I actually prefer to call negative reinforcement “take-away reinforcement” to clarify that parents are removing something unpleasant in order to reinforce or encourage more of their child’s good behavior.
Let’s run through three examples together.
1. When you enter the car, you start singing the seatbelt song
Child puts on their seatbelt → You stop singing the song
Some of my kids have gone through phases where they would get in the car and take forever to put on their seatbelts. One option using take-away reinforcement is to sing the seatbelt song, “The first thing you do when you get in the car is strap in, strap in,” from the moment you enter the car until your child straps in - over and over with increasing volume if necessary.
The idea here is to remove the unpleasant song when they start showing that good behavior of strapping in to increase the likelihood of more good behavior in the future - quickly strapping in when they enter the car. If you have an amazing singing voice, this consequence may not be as effective for you, but my kids tend to buckle up quite quickly when I start singing.
2. Frequent requests to put their shoes away
Child puts shoes away → No more nagging from mom
Do you have any kids who constantly leave their shoes out in the entryway rather than putting them away, and you feel like you are constantly nagging them? Using a take-away reinforcement strategy, you might overtly say something like, “Imagine how nice it would be if you didn’t have to hear me nag you about your shoes because you had already put them away.” You help them to see that doing the good behavior (putting their shoes away) removes the unpleasant nagging. When you see your child put their shoes away, you might jokingly pretend that you were about to say something, then mime a “zipping your lips” motion showing how you don’t need to nag them anymore.
3. Child wants to be allowed to walk on sidewalk without holding hands
Child stays near you → You let them walk “big kid style”
As kids get older, they don’t always want to hold hands when walking on the sidewalk. You might say they can try walking independently as long as they stay close to you. You can release their hand after they agree. In this case, holding hands is actually something unpleasant, making them feel like a younger child. By giving them the independence to walk alone, you are taking away something unpleasant (hand-holding) to increase the likelihood of the good behavior of them staying near. This works out well when they do stay safely near you because they feel mature and independent, and you may be free of a situation where they were tugging on your arm to be free.
Choices: Providing choices is a key component of teaching consequences. Teaching consequences early (meaning as soon as they can move independently) helps children learn to make good choices and become good listeners. It also helps you maintain a sense of control in your parenting. The idea here is to set up a potential consequence for your child and forewarn them of exactly what behavior will lead to that consequence.
In the sidewalk example, that means clearly stating that they do not have to hold hands if they stay within arm’s reach of you. But if they go farther than that, you will grab their hand again. You want to be sure the child fully understands the potential consequences before making their behavior choice. In this example, confirm they understand before you let go of their hand, and they decide whether to stay close or not. Of note, if you give your child the chance to walk alone and then they do not stay within arms reach, you must be sure to follow through on the consequence of grabbing their hand again. Follow-through is key to using if-then statements. They can try again later or on your next outing.
Providing choices and setting up consequences in this manner is really the first form of what’s often referred to as positive discipline or gentle discipline. If you’re interested in diving deeper into the world of positive discipline and unlocking the secrets to getting your kids to listen and respect your words, I'm excited to announce an upcoming free workshop. This event will go beyond the basics, exploring advanced strategies for what to do when your child refuses to do something you’ve asked them to do. It's an opportunity not to be missed for anyone committed to fostering a loving, respectful, and effective parenting approach. You can register right now at www.drlindsayemmerson.com/respect.
Take-Home Message
Take-away reinforcement might seem strange at first, but it's all about giving our kids the opportunity to make better choices. By taking away something they don't want, we're actually giving them the power to decide how they want to behave. Take-away reinforcement is not about punishing our kids or manipulating them into behaving. It's about creating an environment where they feel motivated to make better choices. It's about giving them the power to decide how they want to behave and then supporting them as they make those choices.
You may be thinking, how is take-away reinforcement a discipline strategy if it doesn’t involve punishment? Discipline can be defined as the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, and that’s exactly what we’re doing with take-away reinforcement - incentivizing children to do good behaviors by removing something unpleasant. We have other strategies that aim to decrease the negative behaviors your child may be doing. This post is actually part of a four-part series on a core concept in psychology called operant conditioning theory. Take-away reinforcement is one of the four components of operant conditioning theory. If you got value out of this post and are eager to learn the other three ways that you can use operant conditioning to promote better behavior in your child, check out Transform Your Child's Behavior: Operant Conditioning For Parents. Keep up the good work on your amazing parenting journey!
