Unlock Your Child's Best Behavior
There is one discipline strategy that all parents should be using every single day. Can you guess what it is? It’s a psychology term called Positive Reinforcement. That may sound complex, but it’s really quite a simple concept to learn. In fact, I bet you already do it. In this post, I’ll walk you through the fundamentals of positive reinforcement with some real-life examples, tell you one important thing to look out for, and let you know where to target your efforts to see the biggest results.
Positive reinforcement means adding something pleasant to increase the likelihood of a behavior happening again. In parenting, that means adding something your child likes to promote better behavior in the future. You’re basically stacking the odds in your favor that your child will repeat good behavior in the future. You’re manipulating your child’s environment by intentionally reacting to them in a certain way - adding a response that you think will reinforce their behavior, making it more likely to occur again.
Positive reinforcement is actually part of a larger psychology theory called operant conditioning, and I have another post you can read for the full scoop. Today, we’ll hone in on positive reinforcement. To simplify this concept, I actually prefer to call positive reinforcement “add-on reinforcement” to clarify that parents are adding a response that will reinforce or encourage more of their child’s good behavior.
Here are five examples of add-on reinforcement applied to parenting:
1. Child smiles → You smile back at them.
2. Child laughs → You smile and say, “Aren’t you the cutest thing.”
3. Child says a new word → You clap and say, “You did it! Great job.”
4. Child draws you a picture → You hug them and say, “Wow, thank you so much. I love it.”
5. Child says they made a new friend at school → You give them a high five and say, “That’s so exciting. Good job being outgoing.”
Each of these parental responses is naturally or intrinsically reinforcing to your child, meaning your child likes to see you smile, hear you laugh, receive praise from you, and get a high five from you. The positive feeling they have when you do these things makes them want to keep smiling, laughing, drawing you photos, etc. So, if you want to keep seeing those behaviors, keep reinforcing them.
Remember, when talking about operant conditioning theory, we discuss consequences or environmental reactions to your child’s behavior. Consequences don’t need to have a negative connotation. The vast majority of your use of operant conditioning should be using add-on reinforcement. I will briefly touch on four nuances of using add-on reinforcement in your parenting practice.
Honest Praise: You can praise physical attributes to boost self-image, choices like outfit selections, behaviors like kindness shown toward others, and accomplishments like new skills learned. Be sure to mean it when you praise your child. Don’t over-flatter. Not every picture has to be the best one you’ve ever seen. Your child is learning to trust that you support them but also that you are honest with them.
Accidental Reinforcement: Another thing to be aware of is the possibility of accidentally reinforcing a child’s behavior. I find this comes up most often with other people’s kids. If you ever see a friend’s child do something totally rude or inappropriate yet adorably cute, like talking back to their parents, mimicking inappropriate gestures, sulking, stomping, or pouting, do your best to ignore the behavior. Turn away if you need to. You don’t want to accidentally reinforce that behavior by smiling and laughing because that might encourage them to repeat the behavior. Those behaviors can be adorable in a toddler but are not adorable in big kids.
Goal Behaviors: Be very contentious about your use of add-on reinforcement for goal behaviors. This means focusing your praise on behaviors that you have targeted as major areas of improvement for your child. It also means maintaining praise beyond the initial accomplishment. For example, if your child just learned to put their shoes on by themselves and you really want them to keep up this new skill, be sure to continue smiling, clapping, and telling them how neat it is that they can put on their own shoes now and how much you love to see them do it until that goal behavior is very firmly established as part of their daily routine. If we celebrate the first time they put on their shoes and then ignore future efforts, we may find they’re no longer interested in putting on their shoes by themselves.
Food as a Reinforcer: Treats are commonly used as a reinforcer by parents. I’ll share an example with you. Somebody at Trader Joe’s grocery store figured out a great scenario to help parents shopping with young children. For years, I packed a snack for my kids to help them through the grocery trip. Or we would make it part of the trip to pick out something like the biggest apple to snack on.
When we started shopping at Trader Joe’s, we saw add-on reinforcement built into the shopping experience. If you’ve never been to Trader Joe’s, I’ll tell you that each store has a signature stuffed animal like Wally the Walrus. As you go down each aisle, you search for Wally because he moves daily. This keeps kids entertained during the shopping trip and is a great idea.
Then, at check-out, when kids are often at their limits, the clerk asks if you found Wally, and if you did, they’ll offer you a free lollipop. Talk about a reinforcer for young children! It also keeps the little ones from eyeing all the treats that are typically placed right by the checkout area. Whether you shop at Trader Joe’s or a different store, this is an example of using food as an add-on reinforcer that you could set up for your own child as a grocery shopping treat. Maybe if they are well-behaved during the trip, they get to pick a decadent snack or you bring a lollipop in your purse to give them at check-out.
If you are comfortable using food as a reinforcer, let me tell you about another little trick that I loved using when my kids were young but old enough to eat solid food safely: I would keep a few different flavors of Tic Tacs in the car to have each child’s favorite flavor on hand.
The Tic Tacs became reinforcers for behaviors like strapping in by yourself, making it to the destination without kicking mommy’s seat, making it to the destination without invading your sibling’s personal space, etc. They’re the tiniest treat but very effective. You could certainly use them in the house, too, but I like to keep that as a special car reward.
Take-Home Message
Add-on reinforcement is a discipline strategy that all parents should be using every single day. It’s simple to use and can help shape your child’s behavior in a positive way. Now that you know the power of add-on reinforcement, I bet you’ll use it every single day with your kids.
You may be thinking, how is add-on reinforcement a discipline strategy if it doesn’t involve punishment? Discipline can be defined as the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, and that’s exactly what we’re doing with add-on reinforcement - training children to continue doing the good behaviors they are doing. We have other strategies that aim to decrease the negative behaviors your child may be doing. This post is actually part of a four-part series on a core concept in psychology called operant conditioning theory. Add-on reinforcement is one of the four components of operant conditioning theory. If you got value out of this post and are eager to learn the other three ways that you can use operant conditioning to promote better behavior in your child, check out Transform Your Child's Behavior: Operant Conditioning For Parents. Keep up the good work on your amazing parenting journey!
