Most Important Thing: Parenting 6-11 Years

There’s a critical mistake parents make between ages 6 and 11 that determines whether their child will hide their struggles or come to them for help during the turbulent teen years.

After working with hundreds of families, I’ve seen it again and again:
Parents who tie their love to performance during the elementary years raise anxious, perfectionistic teens who won’t ask for help.
Those who master unconditional positive regard raise kids who actually want to talk to them — even as teenagers.

The Research Is Clear

A landmark 20-year study published in the Journal of Personality found that children whose parents showed conditional regard — love tied to grades, behavior, or achievements — developed higher rates of anxiety, depression, and shame-based perfectionism that persisted well into adulthood.

The children who thrived?
They experienced unconditional positive regard — being fully accepted and loved regardless of performance.

Unconditional positive regard doesn’t mean permissiveness or lack of structure. It means your child never doubts that your love is constant, even when their behavior, choices, or results fall short.

What’s Happening at Ages 6–11

Your child’s world is rapidly expanding beyond your control.

They’re navigating:

• Mean kids on the playground

• Strict teachers and academic pressure

• Social rejection and comparison

• Early self-consciousness and peer influence

You can’t control the team they don’t make, the friend who stops talking to them, or the party they’re not invited to.

But you can control your response when they come to you with failure, disappointment, or mistakes.

Because in that moment, you’re teaching them what love feels like when they fail.

What Unconditional Positive Regard Sounds Like

It’s not theory — it’s how you speak to your child in everyday moments.

Here’s the difference in action:

SituationUnhelpful ResponseUnconditional Positive RegardThey bring home a bad grade“Why didn’t you study harder?”“I see you’re disappointed. Tell me what happened — how can I support you?”They don’t make the team“You should’ve practiced more.”“That’s really hard. I’m here if you want to talk.”They make a mistake“I’m so disappointed in you.”“Everyone makes mistakes. What did you learn?”They succeed“See? I knew you could be the best.”“I’m proud of how hard you worked.”

The shift is simple but profound:
You’re separating their worth from their performance.

Why This Matters So Much

Children who experience unconditional positive regard don’t need to hide their struggles.

They don’t lie about grades.
They don’t develop perfectionism or people-pleasing tendencies.
Why?
Because failure doesn’t cost them your love.

By ages 9–11, you’ll start to see the difference:
✅ They come to you first with problems instead of hiding them.
✅ They bounce back from failure faster.
✅ They take healthy risks because they know you’ll be their safe landing place.

Miss this window — and the pattern reverses. You’ll spend their teen years wondering why they won’t open up, why they seem so anxious, or why they’re hiding their real lives.

The Trust That Lasts a Lifetime

That child who comes to you and says, “I messed up” before you find out?
That’s not fearlessness — that’s trust.

It’s the trust that comes from knowing your love isn’t conditional on their performance.

Your secure attachment gave them roots.
Your loving authority gave them structure.
Now your unconditional positive regard gives them wings.

So when the world gets harsh — when they fail, fall, or feel rejected — be the safe place they can always return to.

Because your unwavering acceptance doesn’t just comfort them in the moment.
It builds the resilience, confidence, and emotional safety that carry them through life.

Ready to stop the guesswork? Join The Amazing Parents Club for psychology-based strategies, live support, and a judgment-free community → https://www.drlindsayemmerson.com/club

Want more tools like this? Check out the Better Behavior Blueprint for step-by-step support in creating a calm, connected, and respectful home without yelling, threats, or giving in.