Win Any Parent-Child Standoff With These 3 Steps
You’re caught in a parent-child standoff: you’ve asked your child to do something and they’ve flat out refused. You feel your blood starting to boil and your stomach knot with worry. This is a make-or-break parenting moment. How will you handle it?
I’m Dr. Lindsay, and today I’ll share 3 essential steps to help you successfully navigate these tricky parenting situations with confidence and calm.
Why This Topic Matters
This is one of my favorite subjects in my parent coaching program because daily standoffs can be incredibly stressful. They’re even more challenging when you want to use positive parenting without yelling, harsh punishments, or phrases like “Because I said so.”
The 3 steps I’m about to share will help you overcome standoffs like a parenting pro—calm, clear, and intentional.
Step 1: Respond Rather Than React
At the heart of positive parenting is the choice to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. This means parenting with intention, not getting caught up in the heat of the moment.
How to Do It:
Take a deep breath to activate your body’s natural calming system.
Silently say to yourself: “Respond rather than react.”
Use this pause to model effective coping skills for your child.
Gather your composure and develop a plan before speaking.
If needed, take a few deep breaths to stay grounded.
Why it works:
Pausing reconnects you with your parenting intentions—how you want to parent—not just what feels right in the moment. This helps you create the best outcome and strengthen your parent-child relationship.
What about you?
Which parenting situations trigger you the most? Where do you feel yourself starting to lose your cool? Let me know in the comments!
Step 2: Review the Request
When my kids challenge a request, I pause to ask myself two important questions:
Is the request reasonable?
Yes: “Turn off the iPad, screen time is over.”
No: “Clean up your room right now because I just noticed the mess.”
Compromise: “Please have it cleaned up before dinner.”
Or clarify and drop the request: “Oh, that’s your brother’s mess. I’ll ask him.”
Is it worth the struggle?
Pick your battles using the 80/20 rule backed by psychology research.
How many battles are you having today? One or ten?
Focus on the most important: brushing teeth, homework, being gentle with siblings.
Build up to other battles over time.
Alternatively, offer to help with the task (e.g., cleaning up together).
Why it matters:
After you’ve stayed calm (Step 1), take a moment to decide if the request is reasonable and worth pushing before moving to the final step.
Step 3: Hold the Boundary
This step is where you commit to positive parenting without being a pushover—where you enforce boundaries clearly and lovingly.
What this means:
Positive parenting is not permissive parenting.
It’s okay (and necessary) to make your child upset sometimes—not to anger, but to teach social rules and personal responsibility.
Kids raised with permissive parenting tend to struggle socially and with setting limits for themselves.
The Best Approach Combines:
Warmth and acceptance
Setting and upholding reasonable limits
Research shows this balance produces the best behavior and healthy development for happy, successful adults.
How to Enforce Boundaries:
Use consequences thoughtfully:
Take away something they like (screen time, outings).
Add something they don’t like (extra chores or making amends to a sibling).
It might not feel great as a parent, but it’s important to hold boundaries to:
Keep your child safe and secure
Teach what behavior is appropriate and acceptable
Establish yourself as a loving authority figure
Reduce future parent-child standoffs
Remember: Too many boundaries can stifle independence, so use Step 2 to pick your battles wisely.
Why it pays off:
Holding boundaries is one of the toughest parts of positive parenting—but when done consistently with warmth and support, it helps raise amazing kids who have loving, respectful relationships with their parents.
