6 Ways You're Undermining Your Own Boundaries

Are you accidentally sabotaging your child’s ability to learn from their mistakes?
If you're using consequences in your parenting—but doing it the wrong way—you might be. In this post, I’m breaking down six common mistakes parents make when using consequences and showing you exactly how to fix them. These simple tweaks can help your child develop better behavior and build long-term respect for your boundaries.

Why Boundaries Work — When They’re Used Right

Effectively using consequences (or “upholding boundaries”) is a key part of positive discipline. When used well, consequences quickly teach your child which behaviors are okay—and which are not.

But here’s the problem: most parents have never been taught how to use consequences as teaching tools. That means they often get used as punishment instead, which backfires.

That’s why helping parents use boundaries with intention is such a big part of my coaching program.

Let’s Look at the 6 Most Common Mistakes (and Quick Fixes)

Mistake #1: Using Consequences for Every Defiance

What’s the issue?
Many parents rely on consequences anytime their child doesn’t respond to a request, but that leads to unnecessary battles and constant tension.

When are consequences warranted?
Yes:

• “Screen time is over. Can you turn it off yourself or do you need help?”

• “I asked you to stop hitting your brother. Can you use gentle touch, or should I sit between you?”

No:

• “I asked you to pass the blue marker.” (That’s not consequence-worthy behavior.)

Quick Fix: Pick your battles
Use the 80/20 rule—consequences shouldn’t be your go-to tool. Start with essential boundaries like:

• Gentle behavior

• Screen limits

• Bedtime routines

Let the smaller stuff go—for now. You can always work up to it later.

Mistake #2: Delivering Consequences Out of the Blue

What’s the issue?
Kids need a clear chance to make a better decision before you step in with a consequence. Springing it on them can feel unfair and confusing.

Example:
Don’t say: “I said screen time was over. I’m turning off the TV now.”
Do say: “You can turn off the TV now, or I will do it for you.”

Quick Fix: Always state the consequence in advance
Give them the chance to make the right choice.
Yes, it can be hard to hold space during sibling conflict (e.g., “If you hit again, I’ll need to sit between you”), but that moment to choose can be the most powerful learning opportunity.

Mistake #3: Making Empty Threats

What’s the issue?
If you threaten a consequence and don’t follow through, your child learns your words don’t matter.

Examples:

• “If you don’t stop yelling, we’re leaving the grocery store.”

• “Do you want me to take that away?” (…but you don’t actually do it.)

Quick Fix: Only say what you mean
Don’t let consequences slip out of your mouth unless you’re prepared to follow through. Empty threats undermine your authority and teach your child that they can ignore you.

Mistake #4: Using Delayed Consequences

What’s the issue?
Kids live in the now. Delayed consequences like “no screen time this weekend” don’t make much sense to a brain that’s still developing impulse control.

Example of what not to say:
“If you don’t finish homework tonight, no screen time this weekend.”

Quick Fix: Use immediate consequences
Try: “If you get your homework done by 5 PM, you can have 30 minutes of screen time. If not, we’ll skip screen time today.”

Bonus Tip: Use related consequences
Consequences make more sense when they connect to the behavior.

• “If you don’t come back to bed nicely, bedtime will start 5 minutes earlier tomorrow.”
  vs.

• “If you don’t come back to bed, no dessert tomorrow.”

When you can’t make it related, screen time is a universally effective fallback.

Mistake #5: Losing Your Cool

What’s the issue?
When your child breaks rules, it’s easy to snap—especially when your authority is being challenged.

But yelling or lecturing undercuts the very lesson you’re trying to teach.

Quick Fix: Stay calm and supportive
Stick to a calm voice, gentle tone, and loving support.
You can still set firm boundaries and follow through—just do it with warmth and steadiness. That’s how you teach, not punish.

Mistake #6: Focusing Only on the Negative

What’s the issue?
Consequences aren't fun for anyone. But if you focus too much on what's going wrong, you miss the opportunity to encourage what’s going right.

Quick Fix: Balance discipline with positive reinforcement
Reinforce good behavior in real-time:

• “Great job being gentle with your brother so you could keep sitting next to him.”

• “Nice work finishing your homework—you’ve earned that screen time!”

Even if your child doesn’t make the right choice, find a positive:

• “Thanks for scooting over so I could help keep your brother safe.”

• “No screen time today, but I appreciate how you didn’t argue.”

A Few Small Tweaks Can Transform Your Parenting

It’s incredible how just reviewing these six tips with parents in my coaching program gives them a huge boost in confidence. A few intentional changes can lead to more respect, less conflict, and better behavior from your child.